Im sorry i hevent written here for quite a long tome. I was confused, broken and used. I was in the hospital these past few days. By the way, THANKS to all my brod and sis in KAPPA for dropping by. dont worrythings will be alright. And to all my friends who were there in the crucial point of my life giving me strength and courage and comfort...

---> THANK YOU, guys!

Where was i?

ah.. here! I feel like i dont want to keep in writing abour vanna in this blig ar in anywhere. you see people, the more i write abour her the more i fall for her which is, looking at all circumstances- definitely not good. Im having pribs bcos im thinking of her. Im having a hard time listening
in class bcos she takes over all my consciousness. and its silly bcos, in the simplest form of all terms... IM A MESS!

I am bleeding

I bled a thousand times before

And now I bleed once more.

I thought that I can take it

I thought there’s nothing to it.

Look at me I am a mess

Falling, stumbling infront of myself

Slowly consuming myself.

Vanna Marie.

How could you do this to me?

What have you done to me?

I pity myself, asking for mercy

My heart is on the firing line.

I’ve abandoned love long ago.

I’ve scorned it, buried it—

Laughed at it, rejected it

And now I stand here, wounded,

Ailing

Trying to look at the one person

With all the things I

Could never have.

This love dosnt inspire me anymore. My sis, Indira, told me to see her. And just last week i finally decided in the greatest decision, go to UST and tell my vanna everything i wanted her to know. W/ the pile of upcoming quizzes and the final exams, i was in dapitan w/ vic, xerxes(ust stud) and andrew.

as we were embarking our way to where vanna is, i fell in a deep thought. assorted feelings stir up inside of me. fear of whet shell think, do and say if i walk straoght in front of her out of nowhere and tell her how much i love her. Will she even take me seriously? Or maybe i might speak nonsense and stumble at my own words and i would look stupid in her eyes.

Suddenly we stopped. I dont know where past of ust we are. Then they left and shouted

"look for her alone, mack! just text us kung ano na!"

I just nodded and they disappeared. "text". That word echoed and its onl;y know that i absorbed what he said. Dammit. I( have no cp here.

What will i do now?

I was about to take upstair when i accidentally bumped in a lady teacher. Her things was scattered in the hallway. I helped her of course.

"Im sorry maam" i apologized.

And i asked shyly " maam, im looking for someone. her name is vanna marie tan, freshman bs psychology. can you please direct me to where are the psychology students are?"

then she gave me direction and i learned that shes a psychology teacher. a certain "maam balse" if my memory serves me right.


I was about to take a leap when, at the corner of my eyes, i saw her from afar. -the girl im thinking of everyday and night-. she was alone. PERFECT! I thought itwas going to ne my day. but wait who's that guy approached her?

I cansee in his body language that he was so eager to talk to vanna. then they talked and talked
and talked. she was smiling and launging and she seemed to be happy. A tapped on my shoulder got my attention.

"baka naman syota nya yan mack." xerxes teased me but arrgghhh... i got jealous.

And i was petrified of the thought.

'' mack hintayn ka na lang namin sa labas...." thats the only part i heard from vic cos my attention was all so busy to vanna and the guy. Th guy.

while watching both of them, here i am pretending waiting for someone when in reality i was sinking in the mire of bot bruises and bliss. And i was struck, and sat there laughing at how insignificantly i think of myself. I orayed that the guy would go away. Go! go!
Tough luck! He didnt. So i wathced her, every stroke she made, facial reactions and smiles she gave. Lucky guy.

Why she didnt tell me? And with that, i stood up calming myself to gather all my strength to speak to her.then i remember, she texted me "fake. not sincere." What if she'll answer me that again? i cant bear to hear those words. And now i lost confidence. Just withdraw man!

I took big steps to get away from this place with a hundred tons in my heart only to stopped in the middle of the street.

before i could completely leave, i turned my back to look at her. The wond blowing her hair, her walk, the way her hands moved...it was all so, beautiful. And as i stared at her, i closed my eyes and I took a deep breath. God. Oh, God. Don’t let her have my heart. Don’t let her have my love.
My vision became blurred. A drop of tear fell on my cheek. And I summoned all my courage to look at her. again, I looked at this girl I will never have. I looked at a dream I will never have. A prayer, that God will never hear.

And to face her, to watch her walking away from me… going with another is one of the most bitter parts of this love for her. I walked away… not knowing where I was going—but sure that I am walking away from him. Yup, I need to walk away from her. Protect her from something she does not deserve, but is slowly following into her hands… My heart. My love. All of myself.

I took a deep breath once more. Slowly sensing my knees are getting too weak to walk any longer.

I looked at myself and tried to find my heart. It was no longer there.

She had already stole it away from me all along.

I love you Vanna Marie Tan and im missing you so much!